Are We There Yet?

So, once again, I am a flake

2005-07-20T06:12:54Z

My flight leaves in 34 hours and I am finally packed.

To all the people that I said I would hang out with before I left:
I am a terrible flake. I'm really sorry that I haven't had a chance to see you guys, but this past week has been ridiculously hectic and my parents put me under house arrest until I could get everything finished. It's not much of an excuse, but it's all I got. Once I return I PROMISE that I will call all of you and we will chill. Of course, considering my past promises and their failures, I will understand if you regard the previous sentence with some skepticism. But seriously, I'm going to try.

Does anyone feel like this summer has sped by way too quickly? Maybe that's just me.

Au revoir everybody and I'll call when I return.

Let It Bleed

2005-07-11T08:01:11Z

I've been absent for awhile now. Honestly, I've been in kind of a hazy state of mind for the past week. It might be related to all of those drugs...just kidding. I don't do drugs. I'm very straight edge.

But my days haven't been ill spent. I've had quite a few experiences that will shape the outlines of many good summer memories. Like smoking on the roof of LO High School. Or watching the sunrise on the Summit at 5:30 in the morning. This past week has been like some campy coming-of-age summer movie. Oh well, my life's a giant cliché. I'm used to it.

How has everyone been? I've been neglecting my duties as a friend and it makes me feel pretty bad. I hope all of you are having an eventful summer.

Z21 The Look of Central Oregon

2005-06-28T09:01:17Z

Well.

Last night was pretty fun. Probably one of the best sober nights I've had this year. It's sad how all of my stories begin with "Well, this one time when I was really high..."
Anyway, thanks Sarah, your party kicked ass. I haven't laughed that hard in quite awhile. I love pointless conversations that yield randomly hilarious anecdotes, and as a result, I now know more about people I have never heard of before. It was a good chance for me to talk to people that I haven't talked with in a while. I like catching up with old friends, but if I possessed the ideal committal skills, catching up would be unnecessary. Slightly disappointed at one point, (foolish of me too expect more: only wine improves with age).

Still haven't slept, although I was thinking about it. My inconsistent insomnia is really starting to annoy me. I have officially developed the sleeping patterns of a jet-lagged vampire.

I got a job, but I'm still not working. Sounds nice, but no work will always equal NO PAY. Fuck.

I hope my car can be fixed. If not, someone will die a very painful and bloody death. And I mean it. Fuck.

Oh, and Sarah, that 15 will soon be raised. Once you get back, I'll be at 24. (Well, maybe not, but hopefully my selection will improve. Quality, not quantity. Quality, not quantity).

At home, drawing pictures...

2005-06-20T04:45:46Z

Last night I had a dream that I dropped acid.....with my mother. Awkward? Both her and my father have called me a stoner in the past two days. Oh, parental love.

I feel stuck in a perpetual weekend. The fact that it's summer hasn't quite sunk in yet, and I keep thinking that I have homework to finish. Junior year completely fucked up my sense of time. Before, two weeks seemed to take forever. Now, I'm already looking at the end of summer. I leave in a month, and I'm beginning to worry about getting things done in "such a short period of time." Honestly, a month used to be a long time. God dammit.

It's so beautiful outside right now. I love thunder and lightening storms, especially when it is warm outside and the whole sky is charged with this weird transitional energy. Everything feels so fresh and new, like the most extraordinary things are about to happen.

SAT scores in two hours. If I didn't do well, I'm fucked. Whatever. I passed the point of caring months ago.

Sooo Good

2005-06-18T06:52:04Z

I'm sitting here, feeling better than I ever did before. This subtle numbness was the one thing I needed to finally close the door on a hellish year. Suddenly, I find myself feeling content in a way that I haven't felt in so long. I hope everyone is feeling as good as I am right now. We can finally sleep in.

in_middle_air @ 2005-06-14T22:33:00

2005-06-15T05:40:53Z

Oh my god, this is killing me! I haven't been this sexually frustrated in months! ARGH!! I NEED TO GET SOME NOW!!!!

It felt good to get that out. Well, not as good as some hot passionate sex would feel. Some how releasing one's emotions doesn't quite match up to hardcore fucking. Dammit! I want sex. Now. Right now.

Jesus, will you listen to me? I sound like a twelve year old boy who's just discovered what happens in his pants when he watches porn. I get vulgar when I'm sexually deprived.

It's Been Decided.

2005-06-14T06:38:51Z

I'm becoming a vegetarian. Hooray for me.

A War in My Town

2005-06-14T04:52:18Z

It's been so long since I could look at her with out wanting to slap her in the face.

I feel disconnected from myself, which is rather nice since I don't want to be connected to anything tangible. I've severed any cords with potential to relationships and now I play with the frayed edges of what could have been. Underneath the murky waters is something shiny, but I have no desire to reach down through the mud to recover it.

Somewhere behind all of this is an explanation for why I run before the doors can close. I ended something that had great potential, but the idea of a relationship, a real, solid relationship, was so unnerving that I fled the musty closet for the green fields. Some may find security in consistency with another; I only find constraint.

Ironically, the one thing I fight to preserve is no longer in my possession. The unbalanced force of parental concern has already ripped away my precious bird of freedom, and right in time for the summer too! I should be so lucky. I'm frustrated at my carelessness and frustrated at their lack of authorization ability. I either want set boundaries or none at all; this method of hidden fences doesn't work well with me.

There's not much I can do to improve my current situation, which, if you've ever been in a similar scenario, is one of the most aggravating positions to be in. I'm trapped in a state of appeasement, but already I can feel the guerrilla forces congregating in the hills outside of town. A treaty must be signed, or else the rebel forces will strike with cold ruthlessness and reckless abandonment.

I'm Not Going To Take It Anymore

2005-06-10T03:18:30Z

Okay, I've had enough. I was looking over my last entry when I realized:

THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!!

I'm sick of beating myself up, and I'm sick of seeing my friends beat themselves up.

THIS ISN'T THE END OF OUR LIVES!!

We know what we are capable of, so why do we need a letter on a piece of paper to determine our value? No! I won't take it aymore. We have been raised believing that grades are everything and that if you have bad grades you're an idiot and a failure and you will die alone and miserable. Bullshit!

Guys, we're not looking at this rationally.

Life does not depend on where you go to college. We're young! Why do we have to plan out our lives now? Do you think that every successful person knew exactly what they were going to do and how they were going to do it? Do you think that every successful person got straight A's?

These are our LIVES we are talking about! We should do what makes US happy, not our parents and not society. Why our we destroying ourselves over something we've been convinced is important? I want you all to do something for me. Imagine what you would be doing if school and grades and college didn't matter.

Why does life have to be about meeting standards? Why is it so goddamn important that a B is an A or a 69 percent gets raised to a C? WHY ARE WE DOING THIS TO OURSELVES?

What if you don't get into that prestige college you and your parents have been eying? Will you cease to exist? Do YOU even want to go there, or do you just want to make your PARENTS happy? I betting on the latter.

Why do we have to learn what "society" deems is important? We shouldn't have to wait until college to follow our true passions.

Most people don't even go to one college for four years. A lot start out somewhere else, do well there, and then transfer.

Please, guys. I know I'm asking more questions than I'm giving answers, but I just want everyone to think about this. We have to get out of this schlump and see things for how they really are. I hate seeing wonderful, beautiful, talented people question themselves because of some fucked up system that was designed to turn out factory slaves.

Rebellion! Revolution! LIFE! Christ, guys, there is so much more in the world than the grades you got at the end of junior year. If there is one thing in this fucked up world that I am sure about, it is that NOTHING is final. What we get in the mail in three weeks will not make or break us. What we should be worrying about is whether or not we are making OURSELVES happy.

Things will get better, guys, I promise. This isn't the end. Let's just all try to hang in there for another week, and then we can all go out and get completely shit-faced.

EMO!! It's temporary, I hope

2005-06-09T00:07:45Z

Once again I feel like I am losing myself to apathy and frankly, it's frightening. My indifference is worrisome; my lack of interest and motivation, frustrating. I cannot seem to shrug of the suffocating blanket of stoicism. These top layers are so thick they have become numb. Do you have to feel pain to assure yourself that you can feel?

This LJ is making me emo.

My hair smells like cigarettes. Ugh.

Slightly Off Center

2005-06-07T00:46:03Z

Humans are awkward. We don't fit together like we should. All of these random appendages get in the way of actually being close. There seems to be so many obstacles obstructing my way to him. It's frustrating.

Humans are ugly. We make weird faces and weird noises and laugh at each other when we fall down. I'm beginning to realize that despite how some people may act, no one has any idea what the hell they are doing. We stumble blind through life, running into walls and sharp corners, and then we turn to tell those behind us which way they should turn.

I woke up backwards today. Whatever the hell that means. It was curious. I was curious. I wanted to know how things would turn out, so I shut off all the lights.

I'm in a strange mood today. In case you couldn't tell.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that behind all of our faces, all of our facades, we are nothing more than an awkward race of confusion, trying futilely to see past our own vanities.

Aaron's here, to those that get it. I don't know what I'm doing anymore than I pretend to.

My room's a mess, my life's a mess. Hell, I'm a mess. Don't listen, it'll only hurt your ears.

P.S. Sarah R., I'm thinking of framing that list. I saw Alec in Carl's Jr. after school and he asked me about it again.

Just One More Time

2005-06-05T00:42:48Z

The Human Abstract

Pity would be no more
If we did not make somebody Poor:
And Mercy no more could be,
If all were happy as we:

And mutual fear brings peace:
Till the selfish loves increase.
Then Cruelty knits a snare,
And spreads his baits with care.

He sits down with holy fears,
And waters the ground with tears:
Then Humility takes its root
Underneath his foot

Soon spreads the dismal shade
Of Mystery over his head;
And the Catterpiller and Fly
Feed on the Mystery.

And it bears the fruit of Deceit,
Ruddy and sweet to eat:
And the Raven his nest has made
In its thickest shade.

The Gods of the earth and sea,
Sought thro' Nature to find this Tree
But their search was all in vain;
There grows one in the Human Brain

-William Blake

in_middle_air @ 2005-06-04T07:01:00

2005-06-04T14:04:40Z

No one in there right mind is up this early on a Saturday. Except for me, of course...

Second to Last Weekend Until Summer!!

2005-06-04T05:17:50Z

Holy shit, I am excited for summer.

I really need a break. Weekends just don't do it for me anymore; they're too short. I just need a long vacation without any sort of commitments or responsibilities. Oh, and I need sleep. Badly. Today was the third day in a row that I slept through BOTH of my alarm clocks. That can't be too good.

Anyway, I'm going to party with the Jew Crew tomorrow night, which should kick ass like it always does. And I have SAT's at the god damn asshole of dawn, ( 8 o'clock in the morning. Tyranny, I tell you.), so it really looks like I'll be able to finish all of my papers/finals/late work this weekend. How I love education.

Cat Food Smells Really Bad

2005-06-03T05:51:55Z

Sad, sad, sad. I hate it when good things have to end.

Why aren't I satisfied? I mean it, what reason do I have to complain? Not a very good one. And yet I find myself waiting for something better to come along, all though I'm not quite sure what that would be. For some reason, I want to always keep my options open. This makes me very bad at making final decisions and not much of a risk taker. That's one thing I really can't stand about myself. I hate making bad choices, so sometimes I don't choose at all. Fuck it.

I Just Love Wasting Time

2005-06-02T22:13:18Z

So, it finally happened. I relented and did one of the things I said I would never do: I got a LiveJournal. Does this make me a hypocrite? Probably, but whatever.

My house is really cold. And the tip of my tongue is numb. Just thought I'd let you know.

I guess I am now officially a member of the blogger community. How exciting.

Well, I really do have an unbelievable amount of work to do, (really, it's unbelievable), and if I want to get ANY sleep tonight, I should really get started.

Later.